We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
