well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
