We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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