I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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