The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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