maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
