Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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