I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
