Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
