i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
