i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
im on a boat
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