You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize