Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize