im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
