No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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