The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
