Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
