Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
