So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
