Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
