Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
