The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
