Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize