You're my little dorito
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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