I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
