Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
