don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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