I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
