ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
