i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
