Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
