If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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