sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
