my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
