I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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