Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
