The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
