I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
