I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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