Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just invented taco cereal.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
