"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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