my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize