What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Is it because I queefed?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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