every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
