yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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