i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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