you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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