I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
whose parrot is this?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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