she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
