My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
