I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
