I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
