i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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