A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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