no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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