hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
