So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
