i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
