I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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