alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
