id be glad to
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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